Him

Buffy

Spike, this is the hellmouth. You have a soul? Fine. Show me. Get out of this basement.

Spike

I don't have anywhere else to go.

There will always be vengeance demons. But now you, Anya, you're out.

Xander

Whatever's between us—it doesn't matter. You shouldn't be alone in this.

Anya

Yes, I should.

4 INT. XANDER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Xander's showing his apartment to his new roommate, seeming somewhat peeved.

Xander

You're gonna live in that small room over there. I know it looks like a closet, but it's a room now. (Buffy and Dawn follow Xander into the apartment) You're not gonna touch my food. I take the first shower in the morning, and if I use up all the hot water, (show Spike standing at the doorway) that's your tough noogies. (to Buffy) And I hate this plan. (to Spike) Are you keeping up, or do you need some kind of English-to-ConstantPainInMyAss translation?

Buffy

(leans forward to remind Xander) Invitation.

Xander

(to Buffy) Is there something more emphatic than hate? Can I revile the plan? Fine. (to Spike) I invite you in. (Spike enters) Nimrod. (stands in front of his closet)

Spike

Don't want your soddin' food anyway.

Xander

(to Buffy) I just don't understand when his problems became your problems—more specifically mine.

Buffy

The school basement is making him crazy. We can't just leave him there.

Xander

Why not? Crazy-Basement-Guy is better than Stalking-Buffy-Guy.

Dawn

It's true. You guys aren't... You're not starting up again with the whole—

Buffy

No. A thousand gallons of no. OK, it's just—things are different now—he has a soul.

Xander

I'm sure that'll be a real comfort when he soulfully attacks you again.

Dawn

Yeah, what does that mean exactly—that Spike is all soul-having?

Buffy

I don't know, but he's been through a lot, OK, and nobody's attacking—

Spike

Buffy— Sorry.

Buffy

No, it's me. I-I just—

Spike

I'll go. This can't work.

Buffy

It will. I-it already is. OK, you know, you've been out of the basement for half an hour, and you've already stopped talking to invisible people.

Spike

Bollocks.

Buffy

OK, so there was that one episode in the car, but—

Spike

No, bollocks to the whole thing. I don't need your mollycoddling.

Buffy

It's not coddling. Now go to your closet.

Dawn

So, what is it?

Buffy

What's what?

Dawn

Last night, you said you weren't helping Spike out of pity. What is it?

Buffy

It's a good question. (sips her drink through a straw)

Dawn

Is sitting there drinking soda some kind of a Zen non-answer?

Buffy

(puts sunglasses on top of her head) No, I just... I don't know what I'm feeling. I think I can't stand him, but sometimes...

Dawn

You love him?

Buffy

No. I—I feel for him.

Dawn

Feel what, exactly?

Buffy

(shakes her head) Dawn...

Dawn

No, I'm—I'm just trying to understand. I mean, none of it makes sense. First you say Spike disgusts you, but secretly you two are doing it like bunnies. And then Spike says he'd die for you, but he tries to rape you.

Buffy

(sighs) For the record, Spike knew how wrong it was. That's why he went away.

Dawn

But to get a soul? Like that would make him a better man? Xander had a soul when he stood Anya up at the altar. And now he says he still wants her? I just don't think it's the school basement that's making people crazy.

Buffy

(sighs) I should really get back. You comin' with? (gathers her things)

Dawn

I just don't see why people bother. I mean, you put all this energy into chasing and having and brooding and— I just don't understand these relationships where you all do insane things.

Buffy

Bye, rant girl. (walks away)

Dawn

Well, you could, like, paint a beautiful mural on every ugly wall in the world, and then you could paint a beautiful mural on every ugly mural in the wor—

6 INT. ANYA'S APARTMENT - DAY Buffy's using her battleaxe to fight a demon in Anya's apartment. The place is completely trashed. Anya's on the floor in the corner, crawling.

Anya

Maybe I'm not even the right Anyanka. Ever think about that? There's tons of Anyanka's out there. Maybe one of them pissed off this, uh— what did you say his name was? D'Hoffryneffer...

Buffy

Good thing I stopped by and heard screaming. (helps Anya up) So, I guess D'Hoffryn decided to take you out after all?

Anya

Yeah. He's, uh, not head of vengeance for nothing. (gets ice tray from the freezer) Well, thank you for the generous life-saving. Now please go away. (takes ice and dishtowel into the other room, picks up a knocked-over chair) Look, I don't need anyone's help. Or, OK, clearly I do, (sits in chair) but I don't want to need anyone's help, so stop helping. (starts making an ice pack with the ice and towel)

Buffy

I get it. After last week, you feel you need to be all renegade and broody. Taking yourself out of the loop—

Anya

I need to figure out who I am. (puts ice pack on her leg)

Buffy

Another, something bad is happening. I don't want my friends out there alone right now, OK?

Anya

Well, I-I guess you guys could use my help. Willow's not very good with the practical strategizing—except when she's evil. And Dawn—she's not really good for anything.

You guys, I've been thinking about it, and I think I can still cheer. I mean, I could use a chair or we all could, like the Laker Girls.

Oh, honey, you need to concentrate on getting better. Don't worry. We'll find a replacement for you tomorrow.

I just feel like I let you down.

Dawn

(walks up to their circle) Hey, R.J.

Oh, Dawn.

Hey, Summers.

Dawn

(they don't let her in the circle) Um, so I-I-I was wondering. You had Mr. Gurin for English back at your old school, right?

We all did.

Dawn

I have him this year.(uneasy silence) What a drag.

I actually kinda liked him.

Dawn

Right! Right. No, no, I like him. It's just, you know, I meant drag in a good, fun way.

(ignoring Dawn) So, um, are the tryouts tomorrow? You're gonna make the new girls jump up and down a lot, right?

God, gross! A vending machine fell on Cheryl and all you can think about is new cheerleaders?

Dawn

Hey, um, so, you know, I heard someone saying yesterday that we're gonna go all the way to the championships this year. In football.

Yeah, we actually have a good shot, considering we're a new team.

Yeah, well if you can get us past Highland, we've got a good shot.

Oh, like you could do better.

We'll see.

Wait, you actually think Coach'd start you at quarterback over me?

I'm just saying...

Dawn

(impassioned) The quarterback is like the most important member of the team. He is like the rudder that guides the ship.

Right. Could I give you a hand with that? (gesturing to the book bag of the girl on crutches)

Would you really? (hands her bag to R.J.)

(catty) It's OK, she can do it herself.

Hey, we're all on the same team, all right?

Dawn

(under her breath) Yeah, you're all on the team. (calls after them) We'll talk later, guys. That's cool.

OK. Awesome. Thank you. Up next, we have—Dawn Summers. (Dawn walks to the open area) Nice outfit.

Dawn

(cheering badly) Razorbacks, razorbacks, we're gonna play, we got a secret weapon and his name is R.J. Hear us cheer, hear us yell, listen what we say, razorbacks, razorbacks, go R.J.!

OK. Thank you. Very... spirited.

Buffy

Come on, Dawnie. Come out. Dawn, sweetheart, it's not that bad.

Dawn

(opens door) How would you even know? R.J.'s never gonna notice me now.

Buffy

From what you said, I'm sure he already noticed you, I mean with the falling and the—(Dawn squeaks, closes door) spirit. Spirit. They said you were spirited, right?

Dawn

Go away!

Buffy

Dawn...

Xander

Things are a lot better, I see.

Buffy

I don't think tonight's gonna be good for videos, Xand.

Xander

Right, with the wailing and the crying... Still better than a cozy evening with Spike. Shall I order a pizza? Don't teens in a snit like pizza?

Dawn

(opens door angrily) It is not a snit! I-I finally met him—they guy of my dreams, OK—and I blew it. R.J. hates me now.

Buffy

Dawn, what is that?

Dawn

Just the end of my life. (storms off to her room to cry more)

Xander

Remember when she used to have a crush on me? I miss the much cuter "me" crush.

Buffy

You shredded my outfit.

Dawn

I'll buy you a new one.

Buffy

That's not the point. I don't want a new cheerleading outfit.

Xander

Now, now, let's not be hasty. (Buffy glares at him) Not the right time.

Buffy

Dawn, I'm sorry that you feel so bad. OK, but in the morning this won't seem so terrible. You don't even know this R.J. Not really.

Dawn

(sits up in the bed) I do know him. I know his soul.

Buffy

Really? Dawn, he wasn't even on your radar yesterday.

Xander

It's the jacket. It's true. Something about the big letter on the chest makes girls get all swoony and crushy. I saw it all the time in school. And you couldn't just pin any old felt letter to your coat and get play— (catches himself) not that I tried.

Dawn

It isn't a crush. It's love. I love R.J.

Buffy

Again, since yesterday. Dawn, it's awfully fast.

Dawn

(incensed) What? You're telling me I don't feel what I feel?

Buffy

No, of course not. I believe that you think it's real. It seems real... to you.

Dawn

You know what? Maybe I don't want advice from the Dysfunction Queen. You have no idea how I feel. You have no idea what real love is. Maybe if you did, you wouldn't make fun of me this way.

Buffy

Dawn, I'm not making fun of you.

Dawn

Just go. Leave me alone. (flops back down on the bed)

I talked with the coach.

Yeah? I told you man—all those fumbles in practice—he was gonna come down on you.

I'm starting on Saturday.

Great. Who knew fumbling all the time was the key?

It's just time to let someone else have a turn, man. And you knew this was coming.

Yeah. Sure. (turns to his locker)

Dawn

You can't do this to R.J.

Oh, hey, it's you. Nice cheering the other day. (laughs)

Dawn

It isn't fair. He works so hard.

What do you care? I mean, this is how the game is played. It's dog eat dog, may the best man win.

Dawn

But nobody's better than R.J.

(laughs) Yeah, well, that's not really up to you, is it? Hmm?

13 INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE AT SUNNYDALE HIGH - DAY Dawn is sitting in the chair in front of Principal Wood, who's at his desk. Buffy's leaning against a table near him. They are both staring at Dawn.

Dawn

It all happened so fast. I mean, one minute he was walking, and the next he stumbled, and then he fell.

Why would he say you pushed him down the stairs?

Dawn

I don't know. Maybe he was just embarrassed. It's hard being clumsy, especially when you're popular and athletic. I'd bet.

Yeah, well, to be candid, it wouldn't be the first time I caught O'Donnell in a lie.

Buffy

It'd be nice if his lies didn't involve my sister, though.

Anyway, I'm gonna have to call Coach Wheeler and, uh, tell him the bad news. Not a conversation I really want to have.

Dawn

At least you still got R.J. to take over. (Buffy looks at her suspiciously)

Yeah. Well, I think we have everything we need for now. I'm sorry you had to get involved in this, Dawn.

Dawn

That's OK. I'm just really sorry it happened. (stands and leaves)

Summers! Hey.

Dawn

Hi.

(walking with Dawn) I heard Wood hauled you into his office.

Dawn

Well, yeah.

About O'Donnell?

Dawn

Yes.

That sucks, facing the whole inquisition thing.

Dawn

Yeah. "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition." (beat) God, it's like I have a disease or something. It was really no big deal.

(stops walking) No. (touches her shoulder) It was. I think it's cool that you faced him. Wood.

Dawn

We just talked. He just wanted me to tell him about... the accident.

Yeah. It sucks when these things just happen—out of nowhere.

Dawn

Right. Out of nowhere.

(continues walking, Dawn follows) You know, I was thinking of heading out tonight, after practice. You want to meet up?

Dawn

Uh... hmm... (smiles)

Xander

Well, Spike definitely seems a little more cogent, less (moves finger up and down on lip to make sound) bl-bl-bl-bl-bl. I'm just saying... once you get back the soul, doesn't that mean you start, like, picking up your own wet towels off the floor?

Willow

No, but maybe you start to feel really bad about leaving them there.

Buffy

At least he's showering, and that's a refreshing and delightful change.

Xander

(gesturing to the dance floor with a nod of his head) Buff.

Buffy

(looks at R.J. dancing) I think that's the guy.

Willow

What guy?

Buffy

The one who, according to Dawn, is the quote smartest, funniest, coolest, hottest, and having the thickest boy eyelashes boy in school unquote.

Xander

He don't seem so tough.

Willow

Check out the fan club.

Xander

Daddy like.

Buffy

What is that shirt made of? Paint?

Willow

(eyes wide) Buff—

Buffy

Glad Dawnie isn't here to see her precious boyfriend getting all thrusty with some slut-bag hussy—

Buffy

Oh.

Xander

Oh. Oh! No! "Daddy"— No, I wasn't— When I was looking, I wasn't— Oh, God!

Willow

(leans to Xander) Right there with ya.

Buffy

So, do you have plans later, or are you just gonna go down to the docks and wait for the fleet to come in?

Dawn

What?

Buffy

(pulls Dawn aside by the arm) Where do I start with the bad? First, you told me you were going to the library. Second, you do not go out on a date without informing me first. Third, Anna Nicole Smith makes you look tacky.

Dawn

(crosses her arms) Yeah, well I think I look hot, and so does R.J.

Buffy

Oh, I bet he does. Maybe I should go have a little word with him. (starts to walk off)

Dawn

(grabs Buffy) No! Don't you dare embarrass me in front of him.

Buffy

I don't like this. This boy has you acting crazy.

Dawn

It's my life. I'll do what I want to.

Buffy

I don't think so.

Dawn

Oh. So, what—suddenly you're Mom now?

Buffy

No, I'm not. And I am glad she's not here to see you like this. (Dawn stares) Look, I'm sorry. I just—

Dawn

You just can't handle it.

Buffy

What?

Dawn

You've always been the special one. Hot little Buffy with her boyfriends. The Slayer. And now someone likes me, and you just can't stand that I'm getting the attention.

Buffy

That is the farthest thing from true.

Dawn

No it's not. And I'm sorry, but I like the way R.J. makes me feel, and if you think that makes me a slut or whatever, I don't care. (starts to walk away)

Buffy

(blocks Dawn) Oh, no, no, no. You are not going back out on that dance floor.

Dawn

R.J.?

I know what you're doing, slut. I saw you. I saw you with R.J.!

Dawn

So? We were just dancing.

Right? You think I'm stupid? You're gonna back off (points at Dawn) now.

Dawn

You know what's sad? A girl who can't move on when she's been dumped.

(grabs Dawn) He didn't dump me!

Buffy

(sighs) OK, first with the lap dance, now with the cat fight. Hey, you wanna get drunk and barf next?

Dawn

(to Buffy) Let go of me. (to cheerleader) This isn't finished.

I'll never let you have him, bitch. (kicks Buffy in the shin, then runs off yelling) R.J. is mine. I mean it! Stay away from him!

Buffy

Well, at least someone agrees you shouldn't be dating this guy.

How 'bout if you try doing your own homework for a change? No more getting these young, impressionable women to do it for you. Avoid detention, R.J. Sound good?

Whatever.

Oh, sweet infectious enthusiasm.

Buffy

Whoa. Hang on there, slappy. I'm not done with you yet.

Oh, man. Like it's not bad enough I got that guy riding my back all the time. Now I gotta deal with you, too?

Buffy

Actually, I'm a bit more formidable than Mr. Wood. You might come to look fondly on his back-riding.

Yeah, but come on—

Buffy

Sit.

(sits in chair in lobby area) Hey, I told him I was sorry about the homework.

Buffy

Mmm... not the homework, Mr. Wizard. The girls. What you're doing to them. In specific, my sister.

Hey, I didn't do anything to your sister. And you saw how hot she looked last night. I think that proved that she—

Buffy

(turns away, hands up, to avoid the conversation) Aah! No more with the talky. Look, I know how guys like you work. You turn on the charm, you get whatever you want, no matter who gets in your way, right?

(stands) OK, look, it's not like that. (starts putting on jacket) I just— (Buffy pushes him back into the seat) get along really well with girls.

Buffy

Oh, I see how you get along. (turns to pace while she rants) Oh, look at me, I'm Mr. Quarterback. (while Buffy's facing away, R.J. finishes putting on his jacket) I crush little girls and all their little feelings. All I have to do is— (turns, facing him now, and suddenly changes to a more pleasant tone) lead a team of high school athletes trying their best to do a good job. Everyone depending on me. That is a lot of pressure. But it doesn't mean you get to disregard other people's feelings.

It's not like I meant to hurt anyone.

Buffy

I know. (sits on table beside R.J.) I know that. It's just— you're a leader, a captain, OK? People look up to you. You need to keep that in mind when you— (distracted by looking at his body) I bet you run a lot, huh? I mean, they work you pretty hard, don't they?

Yeah, (stands) I guess so.

Buffy

I get that. I do. I'm there. Or at least I was there when I was still in high school. Which I was, just a couple of years ago, really. You know, I just realized (blushing) that I'm basically the same age as you. I'm not really older at all, actually. Just like you, (making eyes at him) but with the sexual experience and stuff.

I think I hear what you're saying.

Buffy

Um, right, I'm—I'm really glad that w-we had this talk, so, uh, I think you'd better to get back to class.

OK. Thanks.

19 INT. LIVING ROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT Dawn's coming home through the front door as quietly as she can, but Buffy's sitting on the couch waiting for her.

Dawn

(under her breath) Ambush. (walks into living room, sits on couch by Buffy)

Buffy

I wanted to tell you that I talked to R.J. today. He's OK. I think he likes you.

Dawn

(grinning, excited) Really? Tell me what he said about me—every word—including intonation and facial expressions.

Buffy

Well, he thinks you're-you're funny and-and pretty and interesting. Didn't have a thing to say against you. (avoids eye contact)

Dawn

Yes, he did. I can tell.

Buffy

The tiniest thing. (tentatively) He might have said that you came on a little strong.

Dawn

Oh, my God! I'm the pushy queen of slut town.

Buffy

No, honey, honey, not at all. No, no. It's just—you know, lay back a little. Let him come to you.

Dawn

I'm just scared that while I'm laying back, some other girl's gonna come and sweep him up.

Buffy

But we have inside info. We know he doesn't like being swept. He likes to be the sweeper. Dawn, you're gonna come out the winner here, with me looking out for you.

Dawn

Yeah, I guess so. Thank you. (leans on Buffy's shoulder)

So we do know that 6 x + y = 16, so we can solve for y in terms of iso—

Buffy

Sorry to interrupt, but we need to see R.J. Brooks down in the guidance office.

There's no one here.

Buffy

Yeah, there is. (points to him) There's one of you, (points to herself) and there's one of me. (walks up to him, touching his back) You were the one in math class. Tell me what that adds up to. (walks to nearby desks)

Dawn

I'm not coming on too strong if I just look at him.

Buffy

I've always been fascinated by football. So, what's it like to lead a team?

The thing of it is: the time. Nobody gets how much time goes into it, with practices and games.

Buffy

I totally get it. I was kinda juggling some stuff when I was in high school, too—which was also very recent. Principal Snyder was always on me.

I still say Wood's the worst. You haven't seen the way that guy rides me. I wish somebody'd get him off my back.

Buffy

Yeah, that would be cool.

And sometimes, I didn't even do anything wrong—

You're like a teacher.

Buffy

Not really. (sweetly) But, I mean, does it bother you?

Not so much.

Xander

Dawn? What's wrong? Is this— Did that guy in the jacket—

Dawn

(crying) Uh! I don't even want to hear his name anymore!

Xander

I just called him "that guy in the jacket".

Dawn

That's what I used to call him in my head before I knew his real name!

Xander

Dawnie, honey, you seem extremely perturbed. Maybe I should go get Buffy—

Dawn

No! I don't ever want to see her again.

Xander

I thought that was about that guy in the— um, that guy with the thing.

Dawn

No, it's about both of them. (cries again)

Xander

Buffy, I think Dawn needs y— Uuh!

Buffy

Xander, hi. This is R.J.

Hey, guy. It's called knocking.

Xander

(to R.J.) I'm sorry. It's just checkout time was an hour ago. We were hoping to make up the bed. Also, it's a classroom, you chowder-head! (to Buffy) Now get off the boy, Buffy. We're going home.

Buffy

Dawn, please stop crying. Please? Crying isn't going to make his love for me go away, you know.

Xander

Listen, you're under a love spell. That's what this has to be.

Buffy

(to Xander) You're right. He's right.(to Dawn) You're under a spell. Oh, poor little Dawnie.

Willow

But we're working on it. It'll be better soon.

Anya

Yes. Soon neither one of you will be in love with this boy.

Buffy

He's not a boy.

Dawn

What do you know about our love? It's true and real. This isn't magic. This is my heart.

Anya

Fine.

Xander

We'll be working.

Willow

Look, I know this feels terrible, but it isn't real. Try to hold onto that.

Buffy

Did you hear that? It isn't real. You're just crazy.

Dawn

It is so real! I love him. You knew how I felt—like I finally found something, and you betrayed me.

Buffy

I betrayed you? You're the one that constructed this elaborate fantasy about you and my lover.

Dawn

(stands) Your lover? You're lover! (Buffy stands)

Willow

(mediating) Guys— Guys—

Buffy

I tried to get you to back away.

Dawn

That's right! You lied to me!

Buffy

Did you want me to tell you that he's in love with me? That your little crush is hopeless?

Dawn

(crying) It's not a crush! Stop. You're not supposed to do this.

Buffy

Why? Because he's younger than me? You know, I'm extremely youthful. And peppy.

Dawn

No, because you were the one I trusted. (runs to her room and slams door)

Buffy

Dawn, wait! (Buffy goes after her)

Anya

Crazy little lust puppies, aren't they?

Xander

Well, at least the yelling went away. It was starting to sound like Christmas morning with my family.

Willow

Love spells. People forget how dangerous they can be.

Xander

Hey, been there...

Xander

Good times.

Willow

Here. Something. (turns laptop to show others)

Buffy

She's locked her door. That spell has her good and loopy.

Willow

Info on one R.J. Brooks.

Buffy

Oh, lemme see. Is there a picture?

Xander

Family stuff. Hey, I knew his brother. He was a big jock at Sunnydale High too. Couple years ahead of us. He used to stick chewing gum in my hair. (Willow looks horrified) Huh.

Willow

What're you thinking?

Xander

Well, I think my relationship with R.J.'s brother was complex at best, but...maybe he's a way in.

Buffy

(to Willow) Now, look for a picture.

Xander

I'm just saying, we're—we're tangling with a powerful spell here. (they walk up to the house) We don't know what the deal is so—so keep an eye out if this guy looks twitchy. And don't let this guy charm you, either. He had everyone around him practically kissing his ring back in high school.

Yeah?

Construction, huh? That's awesome.

Xander

Yeah.

So, what's up with R.J.? How's he doing at the old alpha mater?

Xander

Good. It's just— (Spike stands and starts walking around the room) I know a girl that might be going out with him and I was wondering—

God, and you want to know if he's a good guy. Truth is, he's the best. Following in my footsteps. You might not know it now, looking at me with a couple of extra pounds, but back then, I was quite the guy.

Xander

Yeah, I gather that R.J. is pretty popular, too.

I gotta tell ya. There was a time I was worried about R.J. He was into comic books, Model U.N., geek stuff—no offense, Harris.

One time, I found all this poetry under his bed. Turns out, he wrote it. Then he, uh—what do you call it? Blossomed. That's what it was like.

Xander

And do you have any idea why he, you know, burst into a flower all of a sudd—?

Spike

You're wearing your brother's jacket. Here, in this picture.

Oh, no, dude. He's wearing mine. That jacket was with me all the way through high school. Gave it to him when I graduated, right before I started over at the Pizza Barn. I'm in the management program.

Xander

So, Lance, where did you get the jacket?

Oh, dad gave it to me. Made a big deal about it, too. How he met mom wearing that jacket. She was a former Miss Arkansas. Very hot in her day.

Xander

(stands) Wow, that's wonderful. Boy, it's getting late.

Hey, you guys don't have to take off if you don't want too. I got sort of a rumpus room set up in the basement. There's air hockey and a mini fridge. We could party.

Xander

We really gotta go.

Willow

(sighs) Damn love spell. I have tried every anti-love spell spell I could find.

Anya

Even if you find the right one, the guy would probably just do an anti-anti-love spell spell... spell.

Willow

What? (doorbell rings, she stands) I'll get it. (goes to door) Maybe it's Xander with some answers from the brother.

Willow

Oh, you have to be—

I was looking for Buffy. Miss Summers.

Willow

Buffy's not here. Go away!

Are you sure?

Anya

(walks up to the door, stands beside Willow) No Buffy for you. Leave quickly now.

Uh-huh. OK. Tell her to call me.

Willow

Man...

Anya

Good thing Buffy and Dawn are upstairs. If they knew he was here...

Willow

But you don't even know him!

Anya

Yes, I do. I looked into him and saw his soul.

Willow

He was walking away, so unless his soul was in his ass—

Anya

A.J. is my best friend and my dearest darling—

Willow

It's R.J. And what you were picking up on was his deep caring and devotion to me.

Dawn

What's going on?

Anya

Willow thinks she's in love with my boyfriend, R.J.

Dawn

What? No! You two can't do this.

Buffy

Willow, you're a gay woman—and he isn't.

Willow

This isn't about his physical presence. It's about his heart.

Anya

His physical presence has a penis!

Willow

I can work around it!

Dawn

This isn't fair! How can you all be doing this to me?

Buffy

OK, wait. Everyone wait. Just calm down, OK? I-I think I know what this is. Clearly, you've both been affected by the same love spell that got Dawn. (Willow and Anya roll their eyes)

Dawn

Uh! This isn't a spell. He owns my heart.

Buffy

Dawn, be quiet. We're trying to work this out. We don't need you interfering.

Willow

There's a simple answer to this. Just think about who loves him the most. Clearly I do, since I'm willing to look past the whole orientation thing.

Dawn

I need him.

Anya

Well, you're gonna have to do better than that—I'd kill for him.

Willow

(scoffs) You'd kill for a chocolate bar.

Buffy

No. Yes! Kill for him. I'm the slayer. Slayer means kill. Oh, I'll kill the principal.

Anya

Ooh, that is hard to top.

Willow

Yeah, well I have skills. I can prove my love with magic.

Anya

Yeah, right. What're you gonna do—use magic to make him into a girl? (Willow's eyes widen) Damn.

Anya

Ooh, I know what he'll like.

Buffy

Sorry, Dawnie. You're never gonna get him.

Dawn

No. Never.

37 INT. WILLOW'S ROOM AT BUFFY'S HOUSE - NIGHT Willow's in the middle of the spell now. She's got four white candles lit, and a bowl of crystals in front of her. As she says the spell, the crystals glow, come out of the bowl and swirl around in front of her.

Willow

Oh, Hecate, I call on you. I humbly ask your will be done. Hear my request, a simple change, create a daughter from a s—

Willow

Oh, man! Now I've gotta start all over. Hecate hates that.

Xander

(takes the bowl of crystals away from Willow) What the hell are you doing?

Willow

(stands) Proving I love R.J. the most!

Xander

Will, honey... R.J.'s a guy.

Willow

I did notice that, yeah. 'S why I'm doing my spell, 'cause, you know, he doesn't have to be. (reaches) Now, hand me back my crystals. I don't have much time.

Xander

(holds the crystals out of her reach) Much time before what?

Willow

Before Buffy and Anya and Dawn have a chance to prove that they love R.J. the most.

Xander

And how are they gonna do that, exactly?

Willow

Well, Buffy's gonna kill Principal Wood, Any—

Xander

Fine, OK, let's start there.

Buffy

Hey! What are you guys doing?

Willow

Locator spell. Human variety. Almost done.

Buffy

(antsy) Well, I've got a principal to kill. What's going on? Who are we looking for?

Buffy

You realize that Anya's probably seducing R.J. even as we speak.

Willow

My God. You think so?

Buffy

Well, I wouldn't put it past her. She's recently evil, you know.

Willow

Well, so am I. Why should I miss out?

Xander

Hey, crazy chicks—look. (points to Dawn)

Buffy

Dawn? Dawn! (runs toward Dawn)

Willow

Buffy!

Buffy

What were you doing? I mean, what is this?

Dawn

It doesn't matter.

Buffy

This is the plan? You're gonna steal R.J. by being trisected?!

Dawn

What am I—gonna compete with you? You're older and hotter and have sex that's rough and kill people. I don't have any of that stuff. But if I did this then his whole life he'd know there was someone that loved him so much they'd give up their life.

Buffy

Dawn...

Dawn

And it would be true forever.

Buffy

No guy is worth your life—not ever.

Dawn

R.J. is. And don't say he isn't. Look what you were willing to do.

Buffy

Dawn, I would give him to you in a second if I could. (crying) That's how much you're scaring me.

Dawn

But I—I thought you wanted him... for you.

Buffy

Nah. Well, yeah. My God, that boy is hot. Sorry. I think I might be under a spell here.

Dawn

I hear ya.

Xander

Now, you're sure you understand the plan?

Spike

I think I got it, yeah.

Xander

That, my friends, is the smell of sweet, sweet, victory.

Anya

Also, burning cotton-poly blend.

Buffy

Xander, be honest. You didn't, you know, think about slipping that jacket on just a little bit?

Xander

I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn't fit.

Anya

Man, this tool gets his jacket from his brother, who got it from their father, and we'll never know where he got it. That bites.

Xander

Yeah, welcome to the hellmouth, where even outerwear isn't safe.

Willow

I can't believe I almost—

Buffy

I can't believe I almost—

Anya

It was a spell. You were helpless. We're not responsible for anything we did morally or, you know, legally...

Xander

True. You fell for a mystical, ancient curse. Who hasn't made that mistake seven, eight times?

Buffy

You hear that? Not your fault.

Dawn

(sighs) I'm just so... the way I acted, the way I talked to you. I feel so stupid. All over a spell.

Buffy

Get ready to feel even stupider when it's not.

Willow

Hey, Anya, you never told us what you can't believe you almost.

Anya

(playing dumb) Almost who, now?

Willow

No, you can't be the only not embarrassed one. What did you do?

Anya

(stutters) I, uh, wrote a poem. An epic poem... comparing him to a daisy and a tower and a lake.

Anya

(turns off radio) OK, great, ice cream. My treat.