Giles I think I liked it better when demons would just crash in here and tear the place apart. Just seemed so much simpler.Anya You're out of crystal balls. Those babies are really popular with the amateurs. Better re-stock and raise the price 10%. Make it 15.Giles Anya...Anya Your cash register looks like squirrels nest in it.Giles Anya...Anya And the Hand of Glory packs some serious raw power. Better institute a seven-day background check for---Giles Anya! Would you like a job?Anya Okay.Giles Good. Then we can talk shop tomorrow.Anya Okay.... boss.
Willow Congratulations. You're an official capitalist running dog. But I gotta tell ya... on the orbular front? We're batting zeroes.Giles Well, we'll just have to keep trying. If there's anything you need help with, let me know.Anya Your conjuring powder is grotesquely over-priced.Giles Anya...Anya I'm sorry. I'm nearly out of money. I've never had to afford things before and it's making me bitter.Giles The change is palpable. That stuff doesn't come cheap.Anya Well, you're getting ripped off. I could hook you up with the troll that sheds it.
Dawn Buffy? Buffy. Who said you could come in my room?Buffy You're not my sister.
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Glory“Why can't you tell me where the Key is? Oh! Forgive me... monky. Sometimes I just... I get so anxious---like there's something deep inside of me and it's swelling up and it's making me crazy!---that I forget there's all that duct tape on your face! Now... tell me where the Key is. Or I'm going bowling. ”
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Glory“There you are. I have been looking all over for you. ”
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Glory It's okay, it's okay, it's okay! The stutter's sexy. Keep it coming.Monk Kill me. Kill me.Glory We're in the New World now so please, for God's sake, speak American!Monk I... will tell you... nothing.Glory Fine. You know what I wish? I wish that you could feel what I'm feeling right now.Guard Lady, whatever you are... whatever you're on, please.Glory 'Cause I don't know how much more of this I can take.
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Glory“You know, when you think about it, I'm the victim here. First off, I don't even want to be here. And I'm not talking about this room or this city or this state or this planet. I'm talking about the whole mortal coil now, you know? It's disgusting! The food... the clothes... the people. I could crap a better existence than this. But... okay---and feel free to tell me if this next part gets a little too personal, because I'm told I have boundary issues---but I'm hurt! Yes, by your incredibly selfish behavior. Newsflash, hairdo: it's not always about you. All I want is the Key! Why? Why can't you tell me where the Key is? ”
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Glory“I bet this is fun for you, isn't it? Say it. Why? You don't even own the damn thing and I want it, I need it and I gotta have it now and you keep refusing to tell me where the Key is! It's typical! The whole mortal meatsack comes complete with stink and bile sweat and protein. Yes, I said humans! Not now, Mommy's talking! Wriggling, piling, prowling, crawling, clowning, cavorting, doing it over and over and over and over until someone's gonna sit down on their tuffet and make this birthing stop! Ahh... that is so much better. ”
Dawn Yeah! Like I even want to be related to your nasty self---Dawn Ow! What are you doing?Buffy What are you?Dawn Get off me!Buffy You want to hurt me?Dawn Let go of me, you freak!Buffy Then you deal with me.Dawn I'm telling mom!Buffy You stay away from my mother!
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Glory“And another thing? I just want you to know... The whole "`beat ya to death"' thing I'm doing? It's valuable time out of life that I'm never gonna get back. Wait, I've always wanted to try this. You know that thing with worms where if you have one, you rip it in half, you got two worms? Do you think that'll work with you? You hit me! What, are you crazy? You can't go around hitting people. What, were you born in a barn? Fine. Be that way. I just noticed something. You have super powers. That is so cool. Can you fly? Hey! Hands off my holy man! ”
Buffy Spike.Spike Hi, Buffy.Buffy Don't take this the wrong way but...Spike Ow!Buffy What are you doing here? Five words or less.Spike Out... for... a... walk... bitch.Buffy Out for a walk at night by my house. No one has time for this, William.Spike On your merry way, then. You know, contrary to one's self-involved world-view, your house happens to be directly between parts... and other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day but I feel I'm outgrowing my whole "burst into flame" phase.Buffy Fine. Keep going, I cut you a break.Spike Oh, yeah. Okay, let me guess... you won't kill me? Wooo... the whole crowd-pleasing threats-and-swagger routine. How stunningly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard and I never really liked you anyway and... and you have stupid hair.
Buffy It was you who planted the Dagon Sphere, right? I got it. Don't worry. I'm stronger than I look. I have had experience with stuff like this before. Best of all... I'm not stupid.Glory You sure about that last part?
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Monk My journey's done, I think.Buffy Don't get metaphory on me. We're going.Monk You have to... the Key. You must protect the Key.Buffy Fine. We can protect the Key together, okay, just far, far from here.Monk Many more die if you don't keep it safe.Buffy How? What is it?Monk The Key is energy. It's a portal. It opens the door...Buffy The Dagon Sphere?Monk No. For centuries it had no form at all. My brethren, its only keepers. Then the abomination found us. We had to hide the Key, gave it form, molded it flesh... made it human and sent it to you.Buffy Dawn...Monk She's the Key.Buffy You put that in my house?Monk We knew the Slayer would protect.Buffy My memories... my mom's?Monk We built them.Buffy Then un-build them! This is my life you're---Monk You cannot abandon.Buffy I didn't ask for this! I don't even know... what is she?Monk Human... now human. And helpless. Please... she's an innocent in this. She needs you.Buffy She's not my sister?Monk She doesn't know that.
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Biker vampire I've always wanted to kill the Slayer.Buffy And I've always wanted piano lessons. So really, who's surprised we have all this unexpressed rage?
Buffy Dawn, touch nothing.Dawn Who died and made you the Iron Chef?Buffy Look, Mom's sick and I made her a nice non-instant breakfast for once. And I don't need you...Dawn Oops!Buffy ...doing that.Joyce Oh! Check out the "Pamper Mom" platter. You two do all this?Dawn Oh, Buffy helped.Buffy I didn't "help"...Joyce I'm sure you did. So neither of you is pregnant, failing or under indictment? Just checking.
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Joyce Buffy, I know you're concerned, okay? But don't be. I'm still the mom. Which means I get to worry about you two. Which is a good thing because you're a Vampire Slayer. And you... you are my little punkin' belly!Dawn Oh, Mom! That's like my kid name.Joyce So I can't be retro?Buffy Did you ever have any names for me?Joyce No... I think you were always just Buffy.Dawn I got some names for ya...
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Joyce What are you doing hanging around here? Isn't this Giles' big day?Buffy Oh! Bigger than big. It's his grand opening.Joyce So go. Bring me back a... I don't know... a flying broomstick or something.Dawn Those never really work.Joyce Whatever.
Dawn Whoa... Mr. Giles! This place is so... wow. I mean, check out all the magick junk.Giles Our new slogan...
Dawn So when's it open? You know, for customers?Giles Since nine this morning, actually.Buffy Dawn. Go. Browse. And-Dawn "You break it, you bought it." Heard you the first sixty times.
Giles You all right? You seem a little distracted.Buffy It's just my mom's still sick and we have no idea what the deal is.Giles She is getting medical attention?Buffy Yeah. We have a highly trained medical staff working 'round the clock to tell us diddly.
Willow Giles! Where's your hat and cloak?Riley Yeah, the hype was out of control.
Buffy I put this before the group. What the hell is it?Giles It appears to be paranormal in origin.Willow How can you tell?Giles Well, it's so shiny.
Buffy Found it on patrol.Riley May be more where that came from. I say we go back out again tonight.Buffy Um... sure.Dawn You can't patrol. Buffy said.Buffy No, I didn't.Dawn Yeah, remember? You said it'd be easier if you didn't have to look out for anybody.Buffy Well, I wasn't talking about Riley.Riley Don't worry about it.Dawn Oh, she just said you look even cuter when you're all weak and kitteny and she'd better go solo or you'd get hurt. So welcome to the club. She'll never let me go either.Dawn What? What?Riley Giles, you got that danger room set up out back? I'm feeling the need for a little physical rehab about now.Giles Of course, yes. If any customers do-Willow On it.
Buffy Dawn, we're going.Willow Buffy, wait. Go easy on her.Buffy Why?Willow I can't help it. I just have all this involuntary empathy for Dawn. 'Cause she's, you know, a big spaz.
Buffy Mom!Dawn What's wrong?Joyce It's just my head.Buffy I'm taking you to the doctor.Joyce No, sweetheart. I'm fine.Buffy We don't know that. We don't know anything. We're going.Joyce I just need my prescription. Please?Buffy Hospital pharmacy open?Joyce Mmm-hmm.Buffy Ten minutes.
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Glory“There you are. I have been looking all over for you. ”
Giles“Thank you for choosing to shop at The Magic Box and please do come again. ”
Giles Did you see that? Customers! Real, live customers! They came in and I gave them things and they gave me money and then they left! It's brilliant!Willow Congratulations. You're an official capitalist running dog. But I gotta tell ya...on the orbular front? We're batting zeroes.Giles Well, we'll just have to keep trying.Giles If there's anything you need help with, let me know.
Anya Your conjuring powder is grotesquely over-priced.Giles Anya...Anya I'm sorry. I'm nearly out of money. I've never had to afford things before and it's making me bitter.Giles The change is palpable. That stuff doesn't come cheap.Anya Well, you're getting ripped off. I could hook you up with the troll that sheds it.
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Glory First off, I don't even want to be here. And I'm not talking about this room or this city or this state or this planet. I'm talking about the whole mortal coil now, you know? It's disgusting! The food... the clothes... the people. I could crap a better existence than this. But... okay- and feel free to tell me if this next part gets a little too personal, because I'm told I have boundary issues- but I'm hurt! Yes, by your incredibly selfish behavior. Newsflash, hairdo: it's not always about you. All I want is the Key! Why? Why can't you tell me where the Key is? Oh! Forgive me... monkey. Sometimes I just... I get so anxious- like there's something deep inside of me and it's swelling up and it's making me crazy!- that I forget there's all that duct tape on your face! Now... tell me where the Key is. Or I'm going bowling. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay! The stutter's sexy. Keep it coming.Monk Zabbij me... zabbij me.Glory Josve novem svete, tak prohoba .Speak American!Monk I... will tell you... nothing.Glory Fine. You know what I wish? I wish that you could feel what I'm feeling right now.
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Glory“I bet this is fun for you, isn't it? Say it. Why? You don't even own the damn thing and I want it, I need it and I gotta have it now and you keep refusing to tell me where the Key is! It's typical! The whole mortal meatsack comes complete with stink and bile sweat and protein. Yes, I said humans! Not now, Mommy's talking! Wriggling, piling, prowling, crawling, clowning, cavorting, doing it over and over and over and over until someone's gonna sit down on their tuffet and make this birthing stop! Ahh... that is so much better. ”
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Customer Do you gift wrap?Willow Do we! Do we? Oh! We do. Little help...Giles No, no. Ground cloven hooves are 30% off. The whole ones are full price. That's not... candy!Giles Xander! There's too many of them... people! And they all seem to want things.Xander I hear ya. Stay British. You'll be okay.Xander The thousand-yard stare. Damn! You hate to see it on any man but especially in retail.
Anya Please go.Xander Anya, the Shopkeeper's Union of America called. They wanted me to tell you that "please go" just got replaced with "have a nice day".Anya But I have their money. Who cares what kind of day they have?Xander No one. It's just a long cultural tradition of raging insincerity. Embrace it.Anya Hey, you! Have a nice day.Xander There's my girl!
Xander Did you ever think in a million years you'd miss the high school library?Buffy Someone put a spell on my mom. Something to make it seem like she's sick.Xander That's a new kind of nasty. Any suspects?Buffy Well, I've got the list narrowed down to just under infinity.
Willow Does this look right to you?Anya Sure, if you wrapped it with your feet.
Anya You know, Buffy, there used to be this French sorcerer back in the 16th I-don't-know-what namedGiles Cloutier?Anya So cute in his little knickers. But he had this one spell demons just hated called tirer la couture.Buffy "Rotate many foodstuffs"?Willow "Pull the curtain back".Anya A spell to see spells... well, a trance to see spells, actually, but you get the idea. Try that.Buffy What do you mean "see" spells?Giles Well, all spells leave a trace signature. It's just not perceptible to the human eye. In this case, it could be the image of a hand choking your mother.Anya Or a cloud of mist around her.Willow Or maybe the shape of the demon that's performing the spell?Giles Possible, yes.Buffy Okay, so I'll do what Monsieur Silk Knickers did. I'll go home, I'll get trancey and I'll see what's affecting my mom.Willow I don't know, Buffy. Trances?Giles Yes, Buffy, the Sorcerer Cloutier was legendary. His skills at achieving higher states of consciousness were-Buffy Better than mine? I knew he was gonna say that. But I've been practicing concentration skills. I know I'm close.Giles Are you ready?Buffy It's my mom. I'll get ready. What do I need?
Dawn What are you doing?Buffy My boyfriend. Go away.
Buffy What are you?Dawn Get off me!Buffy You want to hurt me?Dawn Let go of me, you freak!Buffy Then you deal with me.Dawn I'm telling mom!Buffy You stay away from my mother!
Buffy Spike.Spike Hi, Buffy.Buffy Don't take this the wrong way but...Spike Ow!Buffy What are you doing here? Five words or less.Spike Out... for... a... walk... bitch.Buffy Out for a walk at night by my house. No one has time for this, William.Spike On your merry way, then. You know, contrary to one's self-involved world-view, your house happens to be directly between parts... and other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day but I feel I'm outgrowing my whole "burst into flame" phase.Buffy Fine. Keep going, I cut you a break.Spike Oh, yeah. Okay, let me guess... you won't kill me? Wooo... the whole crowd-pleasing threats-and-swagger routine. How stunningly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard and I never really liked you anyway and... and you have stupid hair.
Buffy What are you doing here? Five words or less.Spike Out... for... a... walk... bitch.
Spike“Oh, yeah. Okay, let me guess... you won't kill me? Wooo... the whole crowd-pleasing threats-and-swagger routine. How stunningly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard and I never really liked you anyway and... and you have stupid hair. ”
Buffy It was you who planted the Dagon Sphere, right? I got it. Don't worry. I'm stronger than I look. I have had experience with stuff like this before. Best of all...I'm not stupid.Glory You sure about that last part?
Giles Would someone please rip that bloody bell off its hinges?Xander Would that involve moving?Willow My feet are numb.Xander I'll see your numbness and I'll raise you a lower back pain.Giles I think I liked it better when demons would just crash in here and tear the place apart. Just seemed so much simpler.
Anya You're out of crystal balls. Those babies are really popular with the amateurs. Better re-stock and raise the price 10%. Make it 15.Giles Anya...Anya Your cash register looks like squirrels nest in it.Giles Anya...Anya And the Hand of Glory packs some serious raw power. Better institute a seven-day background check for-Giles Anya! Would you like a job?Anya Okay.Giles Good. Then we can talk shop tomorrow.Anya Okay... boss.
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Glory“And another thing? I just want you to know...This whole "beat ya to death" thing I'm doing? It's valuable time out of life that I'm never gonna get back. Wait, I've always wanted to try this. You know that thing with worms where if you have one, you rip it in half, you got two worms? Do you think that'll work with you? You hit me! What, are you crazy? You can't go around hitting people. What, were you born in a barn? Fine. Be that way. I just noticed something. You have super powers. That is so cool. Can you fly? Hey! Hands off my holy man! ”
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Monk My journey's done, I think.Buffy Don't get metaphory on me. We're going.Monk You have to... the Key. You must protect the Key.Buffy Fine. We can protect the Key together, okay, just far, far from here.Monk Many more die if you don't keep it safe.Buffy How? What is it?Monk The Key is energy. It's a portal. It opens the door...Buffy The Dagon Sphere?Monk No. For centuries it had no form at all. My brethren, its only keepers. Then the abomination found us. We had to hide the Key, gave it form, molded it flesh... made it human and sent it to you.Buffy Dawn...Monk She's the Key.Buffy You put that in my house?Monk We knew the Slayer would protect.Buffy My memories... my mom's?Monk We built them.Buffy Then un-build them! This is my life you're-Monk You cannot abandon.Buffy I didn't ask for this! I don't even know... what is she?Monk Human... now human. And helpless. Please... she's an innocent in this. She needs you.Buffy She's not my sister?Monk She doesn't know that.
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Joyce You're home.Dawn I wasn't bothering her.Joyce What was that all about?Buffy Nothing. Sister stuff.
Dawn Go away.Buffy I'm sorry.Dawn You hurt my arm.Buffy I know.Dawn Butthole.Buffy Really sorry.Dawn I tell you I have this theory? It goes where you're the one who's not my sister. 'Cause mom adopted you from a shoebox full of baby howler monkeys and never told you 'cause it could hurt your delicate baby feelings.Buffy That's your theory?Dawn Explains your fashion sense. And your smell.Buffy I'm sorry, okay?Dawn Broken record much?Buffy You can't even take an apology. You always do that. Ever since- I just had a bad day.Dawn Well, join the club.Buffy Can I be president?Dawn I'm president. You could be the janitor.Buffy Okay.Dawn Buffy?Buffy Yeah?Dawn What's wrong with mom?Buffy I don't know.
Giles I think I liked it better when demons would just crash in here and tear the place apart. Just seemed so much simpler.Anya You're out of crystal balls. Those babies are really popular with the amateurs. Better re-stock and raise the price 10%. Make it 15.Giles Anya...Anya Your cash register looks like squirrels nest in it.Giles Anya...Anya And the Hand of Glory packs some serious raw power. Better institute a seven-day background check for---Giles Anya! Would you like a job?Anya Okay.Giles Good. Then we can talk shop tomorrow.Anya Okay.... boss.
Willow Congratulations. You're an official capitalist running dog. But I gotta tell ya... on the orbular front? We're batting zeroes.Giles Well, we'll just have to keep trying. If there's anything you need help with, let me know.Anya Your conjuring powder is grotesquely over-priced.Giles Anya...Anya I'm sorry. I'm nearly out of money. I've never had to afford things before and it's making me bitter.Giles The change is palpable. That stuff doesn't come cheap.Anya Well, you're getting ripped off. I could hook you up with the troll that sheds it.
Dawn Buffy? Buffy. Who said you could come in my room?Buffy You're not my sister.
Buffy Spike.Spike Hi, Buffy.Buffy Don't take this the wrong way but...Spike Ow!Buffy What are you doing here? Five words or less.Spike Out... for... a... walk... bitch.Buffy Out for a walk at night by my house. No one has time for this, William.Spike On your merry way, then. You know, contrary to one's self-involved world-view, your house happens to be directly between parts... and other parts of this town. And I would pass by in the day but I feel I'm outgrowing my whole "burst into flame" phase.Buffy Fine. Keep going, I cut you a break.Spike Oh, yeah. Okay, let me guess... you won't kill me? Wooo... the whole crowd-pleasing threats-and-swagger routine. How stunningly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard and I never really liked you anyway and... and you have stupid hair.
Anya Your conjuring powder is grotesquely over-priced.Giles Anya...Anya I'm sorry. I'm nearly out of money. I've never had to afford things before and it's making me bitter.Giles The change is palpable. That stuff doesn't come cheap.Anya Well, you're getting ripped off. I could hook you up with the troll that sheds it.
Xander Did you ever think in a million years you'd miss the high school library?Buffy Someone put a spell on my mom. Something to make it seem like she's sick.Xander That's a new kind of nasty. Any suspects?Buffy Well, I've got the list narrowed down to just under infinity.
Spike“Oh, yeah. Okay, let me guess... you won't kill me? Wooo... the whole crowd-pleasing threats-and-swagger routine. How stunningly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard and I never really liked you anyway and... and you have stupid hair. ”